Kind of personal, but a hint of my past.

Old twitter account:
“I’ve created an unrealistic expectation of myself because of the doubt many have already concluded about me. #lostingit ”
[May 11,2013]

…..if only you knew..
…..if only you knew what would come..
You would prove them all wrong and meet that unrealistic expectation, but more.

You’ll eventually get a job where you make lots of money, especially for your age and even recent graduates.
You’ll start living the higher end life,
You will lose weight
Get a hair perm
Get your nails done
Get that fashion sense
Eat the good food
Drink good wine
Live the great life
Receive praise and respect from others.
You’ll learn that you’re good enough, no. that you’re better
You’ll be envied by many
Everyone that’s ever doubted you will hear about how great you are doing and they will hate you for proving them wrong.
At that point you wont even care because you have it all.
It’s perfect.
Because you went from rag to riches.

oh but young Caroline…
You will not be happy.
It was all so good in the beginning
but you will not be satisfied.
You will start to wonder “Why are the people I love turning their backs on me?”
You will question everyone’s motive
You will eventually think that no one is trustable
It makes sense though, you were taught not to trust there.
You will buy more of everything and it wont give you the same spark as it once did.
You will feel angry all the time
You will wonder why you feel this way
You will ask your family why they wont accept all the gifts that you were buying them as a replacement of your time
You will wonder why they are being so selfish for asking to eat dinner with you when they clearly knew you were busy.
You will start to hate them for it.
You will start to hate your close friends and family.
You will start to hate everyone.
You will start to hate yourself.

You were only 18 at that time
It was too overwhelming for you to understand why you were becoming what you were becoming.
It just didn’t make sense of why you were so unhappy
And that was because, you were lose your sense of self.

A coldhearted, malicious, selfish, greedy, haughty, self-centered person was just not who you were originally.
You came into that place innocent and pure.

You experienced the world so young and tried to eat all of you.
And it really almost did.

I’m not going to tell you how you made it out of their alive.
I’m not going to explain to you the pain and the suffering that you will be going through.
But just know.

God was and is, always there.
He will always bring back his people.

Stay strong for what’s coming ahead of you.
I’ll always be here as your evidence of obedience.

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Author: carolinesoleelee

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